Dwayne vs. Evil Furniture!
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Dwayne was a man with a weapon. Oh, but he was not just any man with a weapon. Dwayne was known as "quick shooter" in the local areas around his secret hideout, so he was most definitely special. Some may jest that his nickname was given to him because of his shortcomings in sexual encounters, but he wasn't named "quick shooter" for that, he was nicknamed "shorty."
Anyway, back to the story, Dwayne was a man with a weapon, and a special man with a weapon (he even had his own secret hideout, THAT'S how special he was). After many encounters with rabid cockroaches and drunk drivers, Dwayne decided he needed a new challenge...something along the line of combating the evils of living amenities.
As he viewed his trust post-it note messageboard, a scarlet colored message caught his eye (actually, it was a candybar in his pocket that he consumed rapidly), a plea for Snickers to be devoured by...or WAIT! Under that message was a tattered shred of carboard with "furniture, evil, destroy, much needed help, call 1-800-loans-4-u!" A cry for help! Furniture on the rampage! Dwayne's calling!
Dwayne found his way out of his secret hideout (which was very hard, because to keep it a secret he thinks he needs to walk around with his eyes closed and a squirrel in his shirt) and proceeded on his journey to the "Dark Wood" where he believed evil would manifest itself.
On the way, he peered in someone's windows when he heard the sounds of "Ugh, ugh! No, stop!" obviously a cry for help! To his dismay, it was only a disgruntled customer throwing hard pieces of candy at passing girl scout sales people. Dwayne had no problem at all with that, the annoying solicitors!
After walking for three hours, Dwayne decided to stop at the nearest public sofa to take a breather. What he found inside amazed, horrified, made him flatulate, and made him sneeze, all at the same time (creating a very funny sound that has only been duplicated by Howie Mandel and 13 year old girls). His comrade in arm(chair)s, Manuelo, was being devoured alive by a vicious loveseat!
"Fear not!" Dwayne said reassuringly, "I can destroy this evil piece of house decoration in no time!" And that he did, after a few 7.62mm hollow-point rounds to the couch, it seized his friend to freedom. Resulting in a victorious...
Score: Dwayne=3.78, Evil Furniture=-34
Now sure of himself that he was on the right track, Dwayne continued his foray into the "Dark Wood." Along the way, he came upon a high powered Light Anti-Tank Weapon and mounted it as his new bane versus the forces of evil furniture. He patted it and gave it a loving haiku...
LAW, by Dwayne
rocket powered weapon
Then, just for safe measure, gave it a real Coo. "Oh, pretty pretty LAW. Oh! Look at you! Blowing rockets! So cute!"
All of a sudden, while he was admiring his LAW, Dwayne got blown back by an invisible force, a presumable EVIL one! Then, it materialized, THE SEMI-TRANSPARENT EVIL COUCH! Quickly, Dwayne mounted the rocket launcher on his shoulder and fired a quick Light Anti-Tank munition into the upholstered innards of the couch. Adding to the glory a catch phrase, "Eat THIS! Then, it will travel down your cotton intestines, be slowly absorbed into your semi-transparent body, and soon after be excreted as a waste product!"
Needless to say, the conclusion was...
Current Scoring: Dwayne= [f(-x)=(3x² + 2x)-(34x)³], Evil Furniture=less than a computer nerd branding a Bill Gates T-shirt.
continue this epic...
page 2: Problems arise!